Courage Comes in All Colours

I haven't written anything in a verra long time.

I am inspired to write today because Alesia Holliday
(Alyssa Day), an Author I have loved to read for years,
Shared that she has struggled with depression her whole life.

She has recently shared this with family and close friends and today shared with the world via her blog- alyssaday.blogspot.com

I was overcome with emotion when I read her post because I too have struggled with depression my whole life.

My whole world came crashing down on me, 13 years ago.
In retrospect I am able to see that being assaulted 2 years before the big Crash and the PTSD I struggled with over the course of those 2 years buckled the buttresses of defense I had spent a lifetime erecting.

My Masks were so very good. Perfected really.

I lost it all.  My Job, My so called friends, My Whole Life as I knew it and without it and the identity I had built I did not want to live
.
The depression had spent a lifetime teaching me that I was not good enuf.
I had spent a lifetime trying harder at everything to compensate for that deficit.
I was the Avis Rent a Car of Life.  Their slogan was 'we try harder'.

I had been seeing a psychiatrist to deal with the devastating effects of the assault and concurrent PTSD for 2 years.
I was a Registered Nurse, and I was removed from work as unfit to perform my duties,also accused of theft of time for not keeping time sheets accurately and accessing banked overtime without the proper authorization.
It was an Earthquake with a Tsunami that completely erased the person I was.

I spent a month in a psychiatric ward learning how to not wanna be dead.
For a nurse who had spent a lifetime teaching people the tools to recover from
emotional and physical traumas I was beyond humiliated.
Way Beyond.
Dead in My Soul Beyond.
Everything completely Shut Down.
A Blessing from the Universe it turns out.
Without the complete shut down I would be dead.
It was a lousy, painful, ugly existence, but it was an existence.

Over the next weeks I will excavate these last 13 years and prepare myself for what comes next.
Whatever it may be.
I read a quote on Saturday from Jonathan Safran Froer

You Cannot Protect Yourself From Sadness
Without Protecting Yourself From Happiness.

That quote unlocked something inside me and I had an overwhelming sense of destiny flood thru me.
These words were for me.
 I was still living but I was not alive.
I was using exercise and nutrition to cope with the depression and it would keep everything in a kind of balance where I didn't want to commit suicide but I also felt I could not suffer any sadness or I wouldn't survive.

Turns Out We Survive an awful lot of sadness and loss.
In the past year I have lost My Mother and My Best Friend Lori.

Crushing Losses, butttt I'm still here.

Winter's always a bigger struggle because the darkness amplifies the depression and I am basically reduced to minute to minute survival, and on a good day, day to day.

Buuuttt I'm still here.

Sooo I do not know what comes next, but I know something does.

I know I want to Honour My Friend/Angel Lori by finding a new way to live.

By not protecting myself from Sadness, with the faint glimmer that some
Happiness my sneak through the darkness if I do not actively reinforce the shields
of Protection.

Sooo Life, I'mmma Coming for you..

Alesia, this one is for you.
Bless You for being the first ray of hope to sneak past my shields.

Thank You Universe for bringing me Alesia's Books to soothe me during my struggle.

Yours in Pursuit of Balance
Mar

Lululemon has let me down.

I haven't written for a long while.  I've had a rough go of it.
losing my mother and best friend in short order has knocked me
for a loop.
My med-resistant depression has a foothold and even with light therapy for the
darkness I am struggling.
That being said. My sister put up a link to fit-quest trainer blog and I had to agree.

Lululemon, I began buying your clothes when you were on 4th avenue, in a sparse upstairs space that had sewing machines and a couple of clothing racks.

I have personally gifted your clothes to many people.  I have believed in your
clothing and your brand.
Over the last 10 years I have been battling depression and dealing with the menopause from hell.
My middle is thicker now even with regular exercise.
There haven't been shirts that fit me in years.
Everything is long very fitted and long waisted.
The Pants haven't had a real waist band in years.
Only drop waist, which doesn't fit menopause belly well.  It sits right on
the thick part and rubs.

Lululemon have eliminated thousands of women in middle age who are unable to find attractive, comfortable exercise wear.

This new issue with the lesser quality material and comments from lululemon defending the pilling on the pants is crap.
I have pants 15 years old that don't pill like pants from 2 years ago.
The original fabric was more substantial and had a tighter weave so there was no thinning or pilling.

Get With The Program.
Do Not Allow Success to mess with and disappoint the many loyal women out there who were counting on You.

That kinda covers it for now.

It's a Funny Old Life

I've been doing some spring cleaning.  More a decluttering really.

I'm finding the older I get the more clutter bothers me.

I'm also finding that if some physical pain is plaguing me, my mood suffers.

Reading is really my refuge, and it can be a place I hide from life.

For a while it was about survival, now it is about learning to define myself in a different way.
More like leaning to see myself in a new way, and give myself creative license to be whatever this new me is.
I've started doing Deep Water Aquafit to get back into shape and not a moment too soon, let me tell you.
Feeling more portly lately and can see every corn chip and scoop of ice cream on my  belly and haunches.  I now know what lower back fat looks like and it's not a good look on me. Argh!!!
So I've been exercising for a month now and I feel physically stronger and muscles are beginning to be toned.. I actually have a core again.
Yay Moi!!!
Feeling a little cut off from the world right now and thought maybe blogging would jog my subconscious to float something to the surface.
Nothing Yet, I'll keep ya posted.
PS I'm not known for my sterling patience!  Just saying.

rubyslipperedsisterhood.com Made My Day!!!

I was on Twitter today and one of my Favorite Authors Darynda Jones had a post about the Ruby Slippered Sisterhood so I clik'd and a whole new world opened up.

I read the posts and comments and was compelled to communicate with them and share my Reading as Coping Strategy (read addiction,hee-hee)

So I shared some of my favorite authors and commented on a few other things.

The big news today was I discovered Boudreaux's Bookworms, a facebook group that shares news about books and authors and a whole world of being able to share my gushing admiration, of books, characters, stories.

Share my visual imagination, my personal preferences and best of all Learn about 

likeminded individuals perceptions about the same books/characters.

I, for the first time in a verrrra long time felt compelled to come to this blog and write.

For so long this blog was just a way for my Family(which is 2000 miles away from me) to keep up with how I'm doing.

It's been a rough few years for me, with a chronic depression and physical illnesses/surgeries that decked me and had my relatives worried.

I stopped writing because if I shared how I was actually feeling/doing my family would all call me on the phone worried.  I started to feel responsible for how they were feeling and it robbed me of my voice.  Sooo I discontinued the automatic email delivery feature of this blog, and then I just stopped writing.

Today writing a response and replies on the Ruby Slippered Sisterhood website I felt inspired and a part of something.

Sooo I'm here writing this for myself, kinda like a typewritten journal.

It's a Verra Goood Thing!

hugsallmar

Wow, Kimmi has given me inspiration to write...

August 29th, 2012

Received a message on Facebook from my friend of 30 odd years Kimmi.

She has started using Facebook and saw the link to my blog and read some entries.

She said she thought I wrote beautifully and that she could feel my pain.

Sooo I thought what the hey!  Let me jot down a few thoughts.

Firstly, thank-you Kimmi for being you, for making a comment, and for touching my heart.
Again. 
As Always, you seem to have a direct line to my insides.

It's been a colossally difficult few months.
Mutti was in the ICU for a couple of months, then in Hospital ward.
Now she is in a Nursing Home, and has Community Nursing Support to see if
she will be able to manage there.
It's been about a month and it's iffy but so far she's still there.

Aunt B. has pneumonia which sucks and makes my heart heavy.

Shae and Bob are wrung out from being sole support for Mutti's needs in and out of Hospital.

It's my Cousin Carol's Birthday today!  Happy Day Carol!

It's an emotional time in Windsor/A'burg these days.
The loss of Shawn in March.  Brehan,Alyssa & Deb's heavy heavy hearts.
Finding your way thru pain and loss of this magnitude is a life changer.
Coping with grief and navigating these difficult emotional seas requires
learning new strategies and cognitive steps to apply .
We have to build new pathways to move forward or fall prey to the danger of denial and alcohol to get from day to day.
Argh.....

Saying a whole bunch of extra prayers to the Universe to light the way for the People I love who are struggling.
HugsMar