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Thursday, 1 December 2011

Helloooooo......is anyone in there?????

Soooo today I made it out of bed.
This is a good thing....
It's strange to think I just spent the better
part of 3 months in bed. Again.
This time I tried to do it more consciously.
I am out of emotional capabilities when I
return home from an extended stay with my family.

In order to cope when I am away, I medicate all the
symptoms of depression. If I didn't I would not last.
It enables me to maintain the socially acceptable Mar
Mask I have used to cope with the world at large for
the better portion of my life.

I fall back into the Entertainer, deflect all the
uncomfortable conflicts with humour.
the more self deprecating the better it works to sidetrack
people from the conflict they are immersed in. or
I just absent myself and go for a walk and catch
up with them later.

Sooo when I got home this time and started some
new therapy I made a conscious decision each day
whether I would stay in bed or not.
It's been good and bad.
I at least feel like I am responsible for the decision
versus, I do not have a choice.
I still feel like the Big L Loser for still having this
depression, and the guilt that comes from not being the
functional,employed earning my way person.

The new therapist has provided some insight into this
hamster wheel of emotion and guilt for having an
unremitting depression.
I have developed some new definitions for success.

So the first thing I have done in the last while
is to go on twitter and search out the authors
I love to read and thank them for their work
Their creations assist me to cope with my world.

I must try and blog more often. soooo I don't feel sooo lost.
Get my brain tho think on a different level.

Ahhh wlll, that's all for now.
later

Saturday, 19 November 2011

There are no mistakes in life, only lessons..

It's a funny old life. Not always funny ha ha. There's funny strange--funny weird--funny silly funny tickles me--funny related to experience-- funny in retrospect--Funny as in not funny at all. That's my philosophy for the day.... I left a msg on the comment board on facebook for Tim Ferris to a Disa-- She's a new mum, sleep deprived and asking for some easy, fast, tasty, food recipes. I hope she comes to my blog and asks me for some specifics. Dat's All Folks Goin' to Vote in Civic Election

Friday, 28 October 2011

Arghhhhh,......that's all...double arghhh.....hah, triple arrrrgggghhhh..

In honour of embracing my essential optimist, despite the super duper arghhh feelings,
I am using the frustration to fuel creativity.

Sooo start by rambling here about the thoughts circling my brain.
I spoke with my psy and described the events leading up to the whirlwind of
emotion I am experiencing.
Turns out it's a tempest in a teapot.

I can feel the ahhhhh that's better rolling thru me.

Feel badly that mutti struck out so viciously, but I do not own those comments.
Therefore the power they have to hurt me is diminished.
The poison came from mutti and belongs to mutti.
The choice I have to make is whether I subject myself to this venom.
And the answer is no.
I will not be going To Ottawa/Montreal for Christmas.
I will not put myself in a situation where I am physically and emotionally
trapped with this dysfunction.

That old saying, 'the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and
expecting a different result'.

The last few years, in an effort to establish stronger bonds with my
Mother and older sister I have spent extended periods of time
at My sister and her husbands home.
Partly to spend time, partly to give them a buffer, partly to keep mutti company with her t.v. watching and give her some emotional support. And importantly to give my sister and her husband a stress free break from the care of my mother and all its attendant difficulties.

I will no longer place myself in the line of fire and expect a different output.
I will no longer place myself in the line of fire.

It is difficult to change lifelong behaviours and attitudes.
I changed my way of communicating, my declining to participate in the talk of people's shortcomings, or discussions of all the past hurt, pain etc....

I know in my heart I cannot allow any human being to poison my physical or emotional environment.
Sooo forgiving mutti is done. Making the decision to preserve my mental and physical health by declining to put myself in the line of fire. Also done.

That's all for now. Ciao.

ps. and yes I feel lighter and this is a good thing.

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Well Hell! Soo much for unconditional love....

Sooo I am in a very painful place.

It feels like old patterns are repeating with a vengeance.
And I believe this is detrimental to my wellbeing.

1 month ago I received a phone call from a woman who
told me she was my sister. She was born in 1951 to my mother
and was adopted by a wonderful family with 2 older brothers.

She proceeded to recount how the Adoption bureau had contacted
my mother approx. 10 years ago and my mother agreed to meet her.
When my sister left my mother told her she would tell her 3
other daughters and get back in touch with her.
My mother told my older sister that she may be contacted by
another sibling, and that she wanted to be the one to tell
me and my younger sister.

Soooo, my mother had never shared the information with me or
my younger sister.
My mother never spoke to my older sister about it again.
My older sister never spoke of it at all.

After I received the phone call, I immediately called
both of my sisters.

Now my mother is in end stage emphysema, and has been for
@7years. 5years ago she moved in with my older sister.

When I advised my sisters that I was going to meet my new
sister and spend a couple of days my older sister wanted
me to tell my mother.
So I did, I called to advise her that I was going to meet my
new sister.

Soooo in my head all this time I am focusing on the blessing
this brings to my life.
I have no interest in assigning blame or forcing others
to speak of something they have chosen to never mention.

When I returned from spending time with my sister, I posted
a picture of the 2 of us, and some of her beautiful home.

My mother's older sister advised her that there were pictures
posted and my mother was angry with me.

I am grateful that I have a new sister and the time to get
to know her. I shared this joy with my friends and family on
Facebook.
It is unfortunate that this makes my mother feel bad.
That a secret she so obviously did not want to share has
been shared.

My mother has been monosyllabic in her responses to my daily
calls in order to impress on me her distress at my decision
to meet my sister and share the info.
I called anyways hoping that in discussing our favorite t.v.
shows the focus would be on the now.

This weekend my mother said some very poisonous things to me.
As a matter of fact she resurrected every disappointment and hurt
she has suffered at my hands from the age of 2 years old.
She further advised me that I was selfish in pursuing this
relationship with my new sister, and that she never told me about her
because the both of us are selfish and have no consideration for
her.

My older sister and I have had a rocky relationship, but thru
hard work, love, understanding and acceptance have forged
a bond.
One of the fundamental issues that we disagree on is when my
mother spews her poison with no thought to consequences. I
believe she is intentionally cruel, I have experienced this
throughout my life and I know this to be a truth in my soul.

My older sister feels that her illness and isolation is what has
bred the poisonous comments.
I was a nurse for 30 years, and have been around ill and
dying people all of my life.
While chronic illnesses are trying and emotional breakdowns
are many the choices that individuals make in how they behave
are singular to that person.
My mother has made the choice to be bitter and angry.
This bitterness is focused to her family.

This latest breach of my defenses is crushing.

The fact that 3 weeks of monosyllabic responses did not
illicit the appropriate sympathy or behaviour she was
seeking, she then spewed vitriol hung up on me and then called
back to tell me to never, ever call her again.

My older sister spoke with her and called to advise me
my mother was hurt and lashing out because my father
(deadX26years) is not here to confide in.
I told my sister that I was unable to believe that.
That if she did that was good.
I know what my heart and soul felt when my mother
unloaded the venom of her lifetime of emotional injuries
at my hands.

I hope my sister and I can find our way through this.

I am able to forgive my mother because I love her and my
love is unconditional.

Forgiveness is not an excuse for blindness or self sabotage.

I feel to put my self into close physical proximity with
a human being who is unwilling and unable to monitor her
actions and words and who is capable of inflictiing this
kind of emotional injury would be unwise.

I will use yoga and meditation, therapy and exercise
to reestablish some equilibrium.

I'm not there yet.

That's it for now.

Friday, 21 October 2011

Hello World, on a verra grrey October Day.....

This is the inaugural post without any automatic email deliveries.

So..anyone that comes to it is here 'cause they wanna be.
And I feel more freedom to state it like it is.

Yesterday was another day of firsts. My sister Gail invited me to
my first Family Dinner with Gail and Louis, for his birthday.
I met Katie and Shane and they were both grrreat! Real people
that I felt instantly at ease with.
I thoroughly enjoyed their sense of humour and I had a verra
enjoyable time.
We went to one of my favorite Indian Restaurants- Maurya--Yummm

Today we are gonna go to Dressew, Katie wants some material to make
a Yeti costume for Halloween.
Gail called @ 0855h to say she was going to a med clinic as
she has developed a bladder infection.
I hope it's not too long a wait, and she sees someone competent.

Haven't posted since the summer.
Was gone for 7 weeks, and verra glad to be home.
less successful at keeping momentum going re computer lessons
but it's still a goal and on the immediate horizon.

I am doing my lite therapy, and my sleep is starting to
regulate, and some of the oppressive darkness that descended
the last couple of weeks with this uglee fever/flu/and general
ick, is starting to lift. So 3 weeks in bed sick and weak b/c
pervasive nausea prohibited eating anything but pedialyte and
broths.

Also 3 weeks no lite therapy, so this week doing lite therapy
between 07-09 and can feel everything start to lift.
See Dr. Tam next week and will continue exploring new
ways to perceive myself and the world with psychology/therapy
assistance.

tatafornow

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

A new plan...................

Hey everyone,
After years of procrastination the impetus for change has been coming for a while.

I read a blog post from an author I read named Stephanie Rowe.
The post was on a blog wickedauthors.blogspot.com

Anywhooooo, Long story short.

Gonna contact someone to help me create the website I've been
percolating in my brain for a few years now...

It will have a several facets, blog, nutrition info,recipes.....
and whatever else my creative mind conjures in conjunction with
what the web designer tells me is possible.

What it won't have is automatic emails.

I have decided that I am using the I do not want to
burden my family excuse for not moving forward and
posting what I'm thinking, feeeling, doing to survive
this illness.

Soooooo, when it's up I will let everyone know and
you all may choose when or if you want to visit.

hugsmar

Friday, 24 June 2011

Up to MY Eyeballs in crapppppp......not for long.......

So tomorrow is Friends For Life Annual Yard Sale.

Mike is bringing a truck tomorrow sometime between 0900hrs
to 1100hrs. Gonna Give Give Give.

Declutter my home, life.................

So a very productive day. House is is a mess, until....
the Truck carries the mess awayyyyyyy.....

Yup Yup Yup!!!!

Barbara sounds like she's doing up London right!!!
Luckeeeeee Ladeeeee!!!!!!!
I'm verra happy for her.

AmyKatherine, keepin' tabs on you on facebook, hugs!

Rick just finished first week of new job, always a tough one
navigation the new peoples.

Dat's All For Now!

hugsmar

Monday, 20 June 2011

Wellll Helllll's Belllls!!!!!!

The caption under the caricature of my life says "Lost in Spaaaaaace"

As in I'm a space cadet!!!!!!
And as we all know there are worse things to be.
Right?????

Right. So an eventful week has just passed, cracked molar, crown prep.
Thought I had food poisoning turned out to be a staph infection.
No Worries.

Today had a couple more years of taxes done at the advocates office.
so only 5 left. This is a good thing.

Hope Baltimore is treating you well, Shae.
Have some Maryland Blue Crab for moi.

L2 hope Saskatoon is loving you well, and the trip is going smoothly.

Barb is in London, sipping wine with Tanya and 10 friends. Nice..

Rick's at his new job, or rather Richard, Man I bet you don't even turn around when
people call you Richard.

I know when I hear some call Marlene, I look around to see who it is.
As in not moi. I'm Mar

Sun is breaking out and it is getting Steamy!!!!

Aunt B. hope those bungs and bruises are healing up.

Guess that's all folks,
Ciao

Friday, 3 June 2011

Hellooooo World.....sun is out, housecleaning is on track.....

Day 2 of this house will be clean.........

Yesterday, all laundry, and all drapes and curtains done.
Big Job.....

Spoke with cuz Linda yesterday, it was grrreat to hear her voice.
Linda, you rock.

Aunt B As my sister Shae says, Be Gentle with yourself.
I'm thinkin' of you. hugs.

Gonna check chapters this w/e and see if their Paperback sale
Buy 3 get 4th free is on. They didn't have one at Christmas this year.

That's it, gonna go buy some food for supper.

Ciao

Monday, 2 May 2011

Voted, not thrilled with Harper but here's hoping.............

I hope Justin Trudeau runs for the leader of the Liberal Party!!!!

There I said it.......

Rainy, drizzly, temperature was okay.

G'nite

Sunday, 1 May 2011

Hello May, forgot to say White Rabbits......boo....

Welcome home Aunt B. and Len, hope you got some
nice weather to welcome you back.

Weather here has been nice, sun off and on and
mild.

Did some moseying around, looking at all the
buds and flowers.

G'nite

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Welllllan interesting day.......Yup Yup Yup....

Went to Friends for Life and said hello to a few people.
Then off tho Costco with Lori.....Kleenex and T.P. run

Then Laurie wanted to go to Home Sense
to Browse and I found an easy chair.

it was a comedy of errors getting it up to my
apartment. Didn't fit in elevator so pushing--
shoving-- cursing--bending --sitting--falling--
Did I mention Cursing........

Anyways it has a home now and is verra nice.

Aunt B. and Len have a safe trip home.

That's it.

G'nite

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Canucks Overtime.......OIY.........Habs movin'on......

Watched the new NBC show The Voice
I loved it!! Verra Cool,

Panel of Judges, sit with their backs to the
Singers and push a button to turn around if they
want to pick that singer for their team.

Very Moving......

Laundry day, soooooo once again
everything is clean....... woohooo.

Be Well

G'nite

Monday, 25 April 2011

Grey rain continues, gonna sign up for Apple lessons tomorra...

Yup Yup Yup

Slowwwww Day..........

Started reading The Four Hour Body--Timothy Ferris

Verra Interesting......got so involved 3 hours went
Zipping by.... Gonna put some of it to the test.....
Stay tuned, same bat time....Same bat channel.....

G'nite

Sunday, 24 April 2011

F'n Hockey makin' me keeeraaazeee........

Nice to hear your voice Aunt B. Hugs to Len

Spoke to Shae, Mutti, and Trish @ Shae's house

Hope all you Graves' are well
and enjoyed Easter en Famille.

Verra grey day and rained lightly but
steadily all day.

Shae the pics of the Garden were lovely, a
real ray of sunshine.

Phenix's and AmyK are home from
Quebec City. tired but well

Tim called from England, Peter was there for
Easter, verra nice to hear from them.

hugsy'all
G'nite

Saturday, 23 April 2011

Happy Easter, sunny skies, warming up.......

Well.....here I ammmmm...

Haven't had much to say, still don't
was sitting here thinkin' of everyone i love
and countin' ma blessings.

Of which there are many.

Aunt B. my heart is with you, I know this is
a tough time, Odile was your best bud for
a million years.
It's the end of an era.

Well I luvs all y'all.

Be Well

G'nite

Monday, 4 April 2011

Yup, took a licking but still ticking.....

Soooo

First day up and nausea and dizziness persist.
Called to delay appt with doc from 1000hrs to 1315hours
cabbed it to the appt. first round of stitches removed.
Splint removed and Doc was pleased with result.
My nose will be wider across the bridge but today
looks positively bulbous.
good thing I'm not vain......anymore......course tuff be
vain with a Jimmy Durante look alike on your face.

Of course I'm exaggerating (ha) to make a point.
I hope.
Anyways home , wiped out , went as well as could
be expected, need to be extra careful with no splint
to protect it.
6-15 weeks to see how transplanted cartilage will settle
and keep the airway open.

gonna head back to bed.
will check in with y'all in the next few days.
G'nite

Monday, 28 March 2011

Home from surgery.....all is well....hurts like the dickens....

I'm off to bed with gravol pain pills and
half a banana.

Spittoon for obvious reasons.

Sense of humour intact.

First time I have ever come out of anaesthetic
in the O.R.
Came to abrubtly as they yanked out the
endotracheal tube.
Hello World, Hello.....OUCH......

G'nite

Sunday, 27 March 2011

Soooooo.......tomorra is the day 0745hours....

Booked for surgery tomorrow a.m.
Will be home later in the day.t
3-5 hour surgery so....No Big.

Not much else, been tidying and laundering
and general maintenance so I do
not trip in my altered state and
compound the issue.

So....
Later...

G'nite

Thursday, 24 March 2011

Semi Sunny, headin' out with Johnny Cash........

Went to the library yesterday, did some errands
and had double loin pork chop for dinner. Yum

Long chat with Barb while she was driving to
Ottawa. Hands Free of course.

Gonna head out, Library called with 2 holds.
WooHoo.

Most housekeeping, decluttering done.

Next is Laundry.

Scopin' out used furniture sites need a new armchair.
The Brick has some options....

G'bye

Monday, 21 March 2011

Verra dark grey and teeming rain most of day.....

An Uninspired day.........

Pre-op Nurse consultation this morning.
Same old same old.........

Played final jeopardy with Mutti,
she was jocular, Jay had watched with her
and she sounded like she was having fun.
This very dour guy that never cracks a
smile won again. Not Mutti's favourite.

Dancin' with the stars began tonite, I
DVR'd it so I could zip thru commercials
and the crummy performances.

G'nite

Sunday, 20 March 2011

Sunday....was sunny now cold+grey.....going walking anyways....

Yay Me.........
Did some decluttering and recycling yesterday
after my 50 block walk.
Yay Me....

Today, late start, going walking now
5o block minimum.
Yesterday The Irish Tenors.
Today me and Tom Jones.

Gonna give Apple store a call this week,
gonna sign up for lessons to learn how to
use my MAC.
Something to focus on in the 6 week follow
up to Surgery.
No lifting for 6 weeks, no nose blowing for 2 weeks
no bending for 10 days, no submerged head....
and the list goes on....

Better go for my walk before procrastination takes
over........
G'bye

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

I'm in computer/ebook hellllll...........arghhh....

Downloaded a book from the library, and it is not
going on my Kobo.
All software downloaded but it is saying no.
usb plugged in, and internet working but it
is asking for a wirelesss connection.

Brain tired, have spent a couple of hours,
probably have more adobe downloaded
than necessary, and some software from
kobo probably downloaded twice because
I keep thinking I've done something wrong.

Walked 20 blocks, sun peeking out, took pics
of cherry trees.

ran around and did errands, and picked up
income tax receipts from Friends For LIfe.

Brain Done In.

G'nite

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Cherry Trees bloomin', daylight a wee bit longer......

Did a walk, 25 blocks, rained on the way home.

Saw some bee-yoo-tee-ful Deep Pink Cherry Trees.

Gives a body hope....
yup, yup, yup.....

Got a haircut, and had the last of my fresh
crab in a salad for dinner.

Bought some whole wheat Hot Cross Buns.
Yummmm

G'nite

Monday, 14 March 2011

In the country of the blind the one eyed man is king.........

See it's all perception.......oy....

Walked 15 blocks, to library and then the skies
opened, could not risk getting library books wet
so...took the bus home.

Ah well, at least I was out there...

G'nite

Sunday, 13 March 2011

Manitoba wins the Brier!!!!!!!! It's a verra good thing.....

Wow some really excellent curling.
Good Luck @ World's/

A drizzly day, but got my ass out and did 3o blocks
with my nordic walking poles.

read, watch curling, eat fresh crab.
yummmm.

G'nite

Saturday, 12 March 2011

Grey, Rainy,Verra Windy, No Tsunami in sight...Saints be praised..

Curling....Wooohooo a Stoughton/Howard final.

Let's make it a real shootout. Curl your hears out fellas.

Stoughton, give 'er.

Did a Nordic Walking pole walk this morning
in the wind and rain.
Couldn't sleep for shit, so thought if I was gonna
be miserable, might as well---Be Bloody Miserable.

It worked. Was glad to get home and get warm and dry.

G'nite

Friday, 11 March 2011

Wind dying out, steady rain, grey.......Thank-you Universe

Man O Man.....The visuals on Japan's earthquake
and tsunami ravaged landscape is bone shatterin'.

Prayers, Energy, and all the positive healing energy
I am able to propel thru the Universe to succor those in
distress.

Stoughton wins, an extra end, barnburnin' game.

So... next up Martin/Howard. I'm rootin' for Howard.

G'nite

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Got a mighty windstorm a'blowin again...

Sooo curling, The 1-2 game is Stoughton/Gushue

This is a good thing, loser gets another chance to
be in the final. Course Stoughton won't need it.
So Say I......

Tomorrow 1630hrs PST be there.

I can hear the wind whistling by the cracks in the windows.

Gonna be an interesting nite.

G'nite

Monday, 7 March 2011

The Rock takes a bite out of the golden bear...woooohooo

Yay for Gushue beating Martin.

Now, Stoughton has Ontario, Newfies
and Martin to beat.

A crisp, cool and full sun day.
walked to Library to the Irish Tenors
Toura Loura Loura, Toura Loura Lie....
Danny Boy and When Irish eyes are smiling.

was ...nice...

G'nite

Sunday, 6 March 2011

Sunday nite, mostly sunny, and some good curling....

Not always the team I'm rootin' for,
but good games all in all.

Stoughton still unbeaten, yay!!!

Out for a walk, some ipod, and
some food marketing.

That's it.

G'nite

Saturday, 5 March 2011

Howard pulls the string and comes up short.........

At this point I'm an anybody but Martin

my sentimental favorite is Stoughton,
John Mead is back at Vice and they make a pretty
Unbeatable team.

Warmer, sun peeking thru.

Watched Robin Hood tonite, the one
with Russel Crowe.
an earlier vignette in the life of
Robin Hood than I've seen before.
I liked it.

Gonna record the early game.

G'nite

Friday, 4 March 2011

The Brier Hunt begins tomorrow....wooohooo....

Received a skype call from Barbara in Arizona.
She was sitting in a retaurant, olives and bread
a glass of wine and moi.

So everyone, Declare your intentions for
your favorite pick for the Brier win.
First game, 1130hrs, PST

Rainy but warm enough.

G'nite

Thursday, 3 March 2011

Nice during the day, but verra windy+rainy just now....

So....this years income tax done.
now just deal with the backlog over
the next while and Bob's your uncle.
I wonder where that saying came from.

Verra tired and so not chatty.

G'nite

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Nice day, sunny and rainy but warm.......mmmmm.....ahhhh

Out for my Doc's appt.
Had EKG, and all the bloodwork
pre-op exam.
Made appt to see G.P. next week.

Tomorrow appt to do taxes.
As organized as I can be.

Here's asking the Universe for things to
go smoothly.

Tired, gonna head to be with my book.

G'nite

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Batten Down The Hatches........Brace for Windstorm.....Again????

I said WHITE RABBITS before I fell asleep @ 0200hrs.
I wonder if it counts? Sisters mine what is the verdict?

Not sure what I'm gonna wake up to.
Time will tell..

Have Appt with ENT Specialist
a pre-op appt. for March 28th surgery
to deal with sinus polyps, and repairs from
botched surgery 2 years ago.

Moseyin'

G'nite

Monday, 28 February 2011

And another rainy day, No Complaints Here!!!...

Well the oscars were a bit of a snooze.
Anne and James were okay but not enuf
energy to carry the broadcast.

Loved Billy Crystal's shtick with Bob Hope.

And glad The King's Speech prevailed over
the social network.

A laundry and housekeeping day.
mildly successful.
whatever the hell that means.

G'nite

Sunday, 27 February 2011

Ahhhhh a grey rainy Vancouver day, Green wins the curling day!!

Wellll, the first half of the game sucked.
Picked up in the 2nd half and What A Finish
Saskatchewan Wins--WoooHooo

The Weather's warming up, rainy day.
did some extra Light Therapy this morning
Soooo felt a little lighter.

Spoke with Len and Aunt B. They were having
a dinner party to celebrate Len's Birthday.

The Nascar race was a mess today, fun
frantic mess, Jeff Gordon won, not who I picked.

Dat's All

G'nite

Saturday, 26 February 2011

Light Powdery Snow................

It has snowed pretty much all day.
A very light dusting, albeit continuously.
Soooo...About an inch on the ground.

Bizarre....

Happy Jamaica Vacation to Megan + Laurie.
Jealous....

Saskatchewan made it to the finals.
Go Green.

G'nite

Friday, 25 February 2011

did I mention it's ccccold.........

Sunny but cold.

Good curling on T.V.
Too bad B.C. lost to Nova Scotia.
And Jones beat Holland in the Page 1-2 playoff.
an extra end.

Sooo some good curling to look forward to.

Happy Birthday Len!

Happy Hangover Barb, in Berlin.

and to the rest of us,
Ummmm.......

G'nite

Thursday, 24 February 2011

Brrrrr.......Verra Verra Cold......for Vancouver....

the poor crocuses that were blooming
are gonna say bye bye.
The ground was actually frozen today.
probably still is..... sun was out, so....that was nice.

Appt's and errands, run around busy.
heat at max.

Got nuthin' else.

G'nite

Technically it's Friday, but still Thurs.pm for moi...

I made coq au vin, and went to North Van
with Annet and Laura (friend of Lori's from
Windsor that she grew up with, flew in tonite)

Saw Lori's new place, it's grreat!, nice courtyard
where she will have a super garden this summer.

Glad I pushed myself to cook all day, didn't
get picked up til 2015hrs, ate dinner @ 2130hrs
and home just now.

Sooo... shower, bed, book.

G'nite

Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Hellooooo......

As I sit to write I realize that because of the automatic
email thingy, some of you get my ramblings forced on you.

Soooo..... thought maybe I should just undo the
automatic delivery, so you can tune in if you want to
but are not automatically subjected to.

just one of the things circling my brain.

the pledge to myself to be accountable and blog every day
so some of this mental sludge gets shifted.

Ah Well....
Disjointed thoughts.
No worries

G'nite

Monday, 21 February 2011

Okay, it was snowing off and on.......

Only for a couple of hours, and nothing that stuck around.
But, What the H. E. double hockey sticks is going on.

Sending prayers to New Zealand.

G'nite

Sunday, 20 February 2011

A cat in gloves catches no mice.....what the hell does that mean??

I just realized I missed yesterday. It was in a good cause.

My friend Lori pulled up outside and rang me.
Sooo out I went.
We picked up Annett and had an early dinner.
Italian and yummy.

Today, curling and browsing cookbooks for different stew
recipes.

Welcome home from Cancun to Barb, Rick and Mado.

Be Well

G'nite

Friday, 18 February 2011

Scott Tournament of Hearts.....something worth watching on T.V.

Good News, the competitive curling season is on.
Women's Nationals begin tomorrow. woohoo

There was some wicked good thunder storms
last night. All sound and fury....

Slow moving day.....
so....until tomorrow.

G'nite

Thursday, 17 February 2011

lotsa walking....cold, some hail+slushy snow...what the hell.....

A survival day.
My morning appt. was cancelled upon arrival. argh...
and damn, if I didn't find myself weeping....argh

sooo...I was already out and just started to power walk.
cold, rain-wet snow-hail.....then home

Then...More walking, I'm chilled but tired now.
got home @ 2100hrs. soooo, walking and music
and my ocean, whitecaps and fog and all.

It's all Good. right?

G'nite

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Todays proverb- The Unexpected Always Happens.....tru-dat

Another grey day, mostly drizzly, with some periods of heavier showers.
Not cold---so that's a good thing.

Survivor started tonite---let's hope it's better than the last one.

Watching the computer play jeopardy, kinda cool.

Appt. to wade thru some more taxes tomorrow.

forward ho.....

that's it, that's all

G'nite

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

A regular, garden variety, grey rainy day......

Made it out, only 11 blocks picked up milk
so I can make my nightly sweet treat.

Banana, 100% dark cocoa powder,
dash of vanilla, skim milk and ice.
pulverize and suck through a straw.
Dessert lasts about 20-25 minutes.

And, it's good for me.

Not much sleep, but have some good books
so it's all okay.

Keepin' my head above water.

G'nite

Monday, 14 February 2011

Windy doesn't quite cover it.........

Windstorm today, branches on the street,
rain going sideways, trees whipping around.

Oh Ya, Happy Valentines Day to all the
people I luvs.

Quiet day on the homefront.
Not feelin' much like sharing or
excavatin' any feelings.

Soooooo....

I have fulfilled my technical obligation to myself
and the pledge to blog every day.

'nuf said.
G'nite

Sunday, 13 February 2011

patience is a virtue......World's greatest proverb desk calendar

I received the calendar for Christmas.
Tomorrows is "a faint heart never won fair lady"
I have no pithy comments.

Sarcasm however, I have in abundance.
Patience, not so much.

My friend Annett is here from Gemany,
I went for a walk to meet her and had coffee
at Sophies Cosmic Cafe.

It was raining on the way home,
I looked for a rainbow,
couldn't find one, was verra
dark grey hanging over the mountains
and the ocean.

I looked for a rainbow.
At least I looked for one. Right?
So that was my positive moment of the day.
What the hey!
Ya takes 'em where ya find 'em.

G'nite

Saturday, 12 February 2011

Family photos from bygone time.....

What a wonderful walk down memory lane.

Sharon and Bob have put together albums of
scanned photos of our lives.

it was warm and fuzzy looking thru them.

Anybody interested in seeing them leave
me a comment and I will forward the albums
to you.

A grey day, just could not sleep last nite so
a slow day.

but the sun shone for those moments I was
looking at the photos and feeling the memories.

G'Nite

Friday, 11 February 2011

ummmmm...ah.....zzzzzz...

So good news
the laundry is done, suitcases finally emptied
and everything is clean,
Gonna sleep in fresh bed linens,
always a good thing.

I just kinda muscled thru the day.
Rainy and gloomy grey, a little more tidying
and a few trips to recycle, vacuum and
voila.

Sooo. hangin' in to bed with a book.

Some curling on local cable this w/e
Shaw has the Manitoba, Alberta and B.C. mens
semifinals and finals on. worth a boo.

G'nite

Thursday, 10 February 2011

a new era in reading....kobo....

Soooo, I did it. I broke down and bought a kobo ereader.
There's been more and more books at the library that are
only available as ebooks.
Have managed to download the software, but too tired
to concentrate and figure the rest out.

So a goal for tomorrow.
Laundry first, some housekeeping and
read the get started guide on my kobo.

As for moi, saw my Doc today, and gonna keep a
record of how much lite therapy done each day and increase
by 5 minutes per day, and record prn meds.
Will see him in 2 weeks and take a look at the results.

I'm a little wound up, soooo
will do my yoga meditation, shower, and to bed with a book.
a real one.

G'nite

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

25 years ago........hard to believe...

This is the Anniversary of my Dad's Death.
It was an aneurysm, so quick for him, a good thing.
Hard on the rest of us.

It is true that time heals,
for me what heals is the sharp edge of pain
the one that takes your breath every time a memory surfaces,
or when the loss registers in the now.

Now, I kinda have conversations with my Dad when
something reminds me of him
or there's something I would've shared with him.

Now, the feelings of loss remain, and the memories are
a tribute to the man who raised me.
Warts and all.

G'nite

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Tuesday.......Life isn't all beer and skittles (pretzels for me!)

Took meds to sleep, and yes I slept.
the coma sleep of the daid.
Yarded my butt out of bed around 2pm
and not so much anxiety, also not much of anything else.

win some lose some.

work in progress.
g/nite

Monday, 7 February 2011

Sunny, windy, water, mountains, yup that was moi

Sooo, a very slow start but who cares.
Walked on the beach looking at the mountains
sunny with a wind howling from the arctic
just me, my walking poles, and the Irish Tenors.
20 minute Victory Today.

A very gracious thanks to all my family and friends
who are helping me normalize this difficult time.

G'nite

Sunday, 6 February 2011

Minutes versus hours..........

A good day sports wise. Green Bay Packers won the Superbowl, and the 2nd half was a real barnburner.

i walked to get some food at the market, and had a shower.
Got some sleep with the pills, the good thing was it turned down
that wheel in my brain that ruminates at mach 10, with every negative
thought, nightmare, worst case scenario................. and, as Depression is a cyclical
chemical imbalance there are times that exercise, yoga, music nothing can override
the negative noise.
so Anxiety increases, ergo hot flashes increase in intensity and frequency, and
complete soaking night sweats.
did I mention nightmares.

I know this will get better, I believe that now, however in the middle of fighting it
my energy is so sapped i feel limp, wrung out, and battered emotionally.

I can surface for 5 minute chats with my family because we use humour to cope,
Black Humour but it works just the same.

Just had a brief chat with my friend Lori, she's recovering and doing better.
I realized as I was speaking with her that I still censor what I say here.
For example, on Wednesday at the library, I was having a tough time, every time I felt someone behind me I would get that hair raising on the back of my neck feeling that someone was going to
knock me on the head, try and rape me and leave me for dead again.
Finally my thinking brain came up with, keep your back to the books and let people pass in front of you.
That helped and I was able to get a couple of books and get home.
Today on the way to the food market, I had this wheel saying you aren't using your life
give it to someone else they deserve it more.
Again able to shake it off, but is there any wonder I don't want to get out of bed or leave home.
It's just that much more difficult right now out there.

That is the bummer, the walking and ipod therapy not working right now.
Yoga not working ,soooooo hang on and go minute to minute for a while and this will ease eventually.

Also more judicious use of antianxiety meds which I detest using because of their
addictive properties.

Right now I will use them for a few days and see if that gives me a jump on this round.
G'nite

Saturday, 5 February 2011

moooving slowlyyy....

weird night, no sleep til 0500 then nightmares, and sweats and hot flashes.

Soooo tonite if yoga and meditation aren't doing it,
I'm going for the heavy artillery
Drug Therapy, Something for the persistent headache and to give me some sleep.

Dat's it--Dat's all
G'nite

Friday, 4 February 2011

Laughter is the best medicine......

No Wonder those old axioms last through the ages.

Crappy Day, but played Jeopardy with Mutti.
We managed to share our misery, and the burden feels manageable.

Sometime when the anxiety that accompanies clinical depression does
not respond to any of my attempts to tame it, it feels overwhelming.

The good news is I now know after all these long years that even if
I don't believe it right now, this will lift.
Time has taught me that.

I've been way worse than this.
Soo....
Thinkin' of the things I am grateful for.
Family that I love---Cuz Linda is home and a walking miracle----
I am sound of body, and the darkness will lift.

G'nite

Thursday, 3 February 2011

Healthy Expression........I read about it.....

In the December issue of Alive magazine---an article on Healthy Expression

Recently, people with health problems have been turning to expressive writing as a way to meditate and become more aware of their body.

In the past few decades, researchers have delved into the benefits of writing, and a bulk of scientific literature supports the benefits of releasing thoughts onto the page.

Pychologists found that regular expressive writing resulted in better working memory, improved
social skills, and relief from anxiety and depression.

Here we go..........
crappy day, dark grey, rainy, not too cold, felt dopey, down, and anxious all day.

Not much sleep last nite.

Almost makes me not want to go to bed tonite.

so, hot shower, some yoga and breathing meditation....and to bed with a book.

G'nite

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

Warmer outside today.....so dragged my ass out to .......

The Library and chapters, and spent some of my gift card money on books.
Chapters didn't have their paperback sale in Dec. this year.

They usually have one twice a year, buy 3 get 4th free.
I'd been stockpiling titles waiting for the sale.

Broke down today and bought 5 books, all the next in series I've been waiting for
that the library doesn't have.

As I was walking home, a cyclist wasn't paying attention and clipped me.
no harm done, banged into right shoulder and hip, but I stayed on my feet.

Yay, me.

G'nite

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

"WHITE RABBITS"----I remembered.

When I was a youngster, my Dad would run from room to room waking us up and whispering, say "white rabbits" say white rabbits...... and groggily I would respond.

My Dad told us that saying White Rabbits first thing (before uttering any other syllable) on the first day of a new month meant you received good luck for that month.

Soooo....Today I remembered, to say it before I said anything else.

Ahhhhh, see Ahhh instead of Argh....,

Today I changed this one small thing.

Tomorrow is a new day.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

And now I will channel Scarlett O'Hara, " After all, tomorrow is another day"

G'nite

Monday, 31 January 2011

arghhh.....Yup that pretty much sums it up

First some food/nutrition info

There's a supplement by NewChapter---Lycopom--100gm of tomatoes & 13 pomegranates.
Promotes cardiovascular, breast and prostate health.
It's a good thing.

Something I read lately--------in Alive Magazine---

Talk, talk, talk: Intimate connection requires patience, risk-taking, and a willingness to talk about those things you'd rather leave buried and forgotten.

Talking about depression--- the trials and tribulations, to people who do not suffer from this illness and have no frame of reference for this journey is difficult, extremely difficult...

When it is people you love, it feels like you are burdening them with your crap, a whiner, I hate whiners, and I hate whining.........Soooo you can only imagine how it feels to be one.
Learning to be patient and gentle with myself is an everyday challenge.

Even though when I finally write one of these blogs entries I feel lightened somehow.....
Almost like letting the air out of a balloon, metaphorically speaking, of course....

It is difficult to get myself to sit down and write another one.
Because it feels like whining.
Until I am acutally at the keyboard, and then it feels like a release.


Something else I have read lately, Deepak Chopra's---Re-inventing the Body, Resurrecting the Soul---

As Chopra identifies it, soul carries our potential for wellness, mind carries the intention, while brain produces the result.
Above all, Chopra teaches "the process of reinventing the body and resurrecting the soul is a journey, and the journey never ends."

Something I will chew on for a while before it settles into my opinion, or maybe my interpretation is a better way to express it.

I guess that's it for today.....
Gonna try and share something everday for February and see if I can change something myself.
Soooo..........later.....Ummm tomorrow......ummm.........argh.........