Arghhhhh,......that's all...double arghhh.....hah, triple arrrrgggghhhh..

In honour of embracing my essential optimist, despite the super duper arghhh feelings,
I am using the frustration to fuel creativity.

Sooo start by rambling here about the thoughts circling my brain.
I spoke with my psy and described the events leading up to the whirlwind of
emotion I am experiencing.
Turns out it's a tempest in a teapot.

I can feel the ahhhhh that's better rolling thru me.

Feel badly that mutti struck out so viciously, but I do not own those comments.
Therefore the power they have to hurt me is diminished.
The poison came from mutti and belongs to mutti.
The choice I have to make is whether I subject myself to this venom.
And the answer is no.
I will not be going To Ottawa/Montreal for Christmas.
I will not put myself in a situation where I am physically and emotionally
trapped with this dysfunction.

That old saying, 'the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and
expecting a different result'.

The last few years, in an effort to establish stronger bonds with my
Mother and older sister I have spent extended periods of time
at My sister and her husbands home.
Partly to spend time, partly to give them a buffer, partly to keep mutti company with her t.v. watching and give her some emotional support. And importantly to give my sister and her husband a stress free break from the care of my mother and all its attendant difficulties.

I will no longer place myself in the line of fire and expect a different output.
I will no longer place myself in the line of fire.

It is difficult to change lifelong behaviours and attitudes.
I changed my way of communicating, my declining to participate in the talk of people's shortcomings, or discussions of all the past hurt, pain etc....

I know in my heart I cannot allow any human being to poison my physical or emotional environment.
Sooo forgiving mutti is done. Making the decision to preserve my mental and physical health by declining to put myself in the line of fire. Also done.

That's all for now. Ciao.

ps. and yes I feel lighter and this is a good thing.