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Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Well Hell! Soo much for unconditional love....

Sooo I am in a very painful place.

It feels like old patterns are repeating with a vengeance.
And I believe this is detrimental to my wellbeing.

1 month ago I received a phone call from a woman who
told me she was my sister. She was born in 1951 to my mother
and was adopted by a wonderful family with 2 older brothers.

She proceeded to recount how the Adoption bureau had contacted
my mother approx. 10 years ago and my mother agreed to meet her.
When my sister left my mother told her she would tell her 3
other daughters and get back in touch with her.
My mother told my older sister that she may be contacted by
another sibling, and that she wanted to be the one to tell
me and my younger sister.

Soooo, my mother had never shared the information with me or
my younger sister.
My mother never spoke to my older sister about it again.
My older sister never spoke of it at all.

After I received the phone call, I immediately called
both of my sisters.

Now my mother is in end stage emphysema, and has been for
@7years. 5years ago she moved in with my older sister.

When I advised my sisters that I was going to meet my new
sister and spend a couple of days my older sister wanted
me to tell my mother.
So I did, I called to advise her that I was going to meet my
new sister.

Soooo in my head all this time I am focusing on the blessing
this brings to my life.
I have no interest in assigning blame or forcing others
to speak of something they have chosen to never mention.

When I returned from spending time with my sister, I posted
a picture of the 2 of us, and some of her beautiful home.

My mother's older sister advised her that there were pictures
posted and my mother was angry with me.

I am grateful that I have a new sister and the time to get
to know her. I shared this joy with my friends and family on
Facebook.
It is unfortunate that this makes my mother feel bad.
That a secret she so obviously did not want to share has
been shared.

My mother has been monosyllabic in her responses to my daily
calls in order to impress on me her distress at my decision
to meet my sister and share the info.
I called anyways hoping that in discussing our favorite t.v.
shows the focus would be on the now.

This weekend my mother said some very poisonous things to me.
As a matter of fact she resurrected every disappointment and hurt
she has suffered at my hands from the age of 2 years old.
She further advised me that I was selfish in pursuing this
relationship with my new sister, and that she never told me about her
because the both of us are selfish and have no consideration for
her.

My older sister and I have had a rocky relationship, but thru
hard work, love, understanding and acceptance have forged
a bond.
One of the fundamental issues that we disagree on is when my
mother spews her poison with no thought to consequences. I
believe she is intentionally cruel, I have experienced this
throughout my life and I know this to be a truth in my soul.

My older sister feels that her illness and isolation is what has
bred the poisonous comments.
I was a nurse for 30 years, and have been around ill and
dying people all of my life.
While chronic illnesses are trying and emotional breakdowns
are many the choices that individuals make in how they behave
are singular to that person.
My mother has made the choice to be bitter and angry.
This bitterness is focused to her family.

This latest breach of my defenses is crushing.

The fact that 3 weeks of monosyllabic responses did not
illicit the appropriate sympathy or behaviour she was
seeking, she then spewed vitriol hung up on me and then called
back to tell me to never, ever call her again.

My older sister spoke with her and called to advise me
my mother was hurt and lashing out because my father
(deadX26years) is not here to confide in.
I told my sister that I was unable to believe that.
That if she did that was good.
I know what my heart and soul felt when my mother
unloaded the venom of her lifetime of emotional injuries
at my hands.

I hope my sister and I can find our way through this.

I am able to forgive my mother because I love her and my
love is unconditional.

Forgiveness is not an excuse for blindness or self sabotage.

I feel to put my self into close physical proximity with
a human being who is unwilling and unable to monitor her
actions and words and who is capable of inflictiing this
kind of emotional injury would be unwise.

I will use yoga and meditation, therapy and exercise
to reestablish some equilibrium.

I'm not there yet.

That's it for now.

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