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Friday, 28 October 2011

Arghhhhh,......that's all...double arghhh.....hah, triple arrrrgggghhhh..

In honour of embracing my essential optimist, despite the super duper arghhh feelings,
I am using the frustration to fuel creativity.

Sooo start by rambling here about the thoughts circling my brain.
I spoke with my psy and described the events leading up to the whirlwind of
emotion I am experiencing.
Turns out it's a tempest in a teapot.

I can feel the ahhhhh that's better rolling thru me.

Feel badly that mutti struck out so viciously, but I do not own those comments.
Therefore the power they have to hurt me is diminished.
The poison came from mutti and belongs to mutti.
The choice I have to make is whether I subject myself to this venom.
And the answer is no.
I will not be going To Ottawa/Montreal for Christmas.
I will not put myself in a situation where I am physically and emotionally
trapped with this dysfunction.

That old saying, 'the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and
expecting a different result'.

The last few years, in an effort to establish stronger bonds with my
Mother and older sister I have spent extended periods of time
at My sister and her husbands home.
Partly to spend time, partly to give them a buffer, partly to keep mutti company with her t.v. watching and give her some emotional support. And importantly to give my sister and her husband a stress free break from the care of my mother and all its attendant difficulties.

I will no longer place myself in the line of fire and expect a different output.
I will no longer place myself in the line of fire.

It is difficult to change lifelong behaviours and attitudes.
I changed my way of communicating, my declining to participate in the talk of people's shortcomings, or discussions of all the past hurt, pain etc....

I know in my heart I cannot allow any human being to poison my physical or emotional environment.
Sooo forgiving mutti is done. Making the decision to preserve my mental and physical health by declining to put myself in the line of fire. Also done.

That's all for now. Ciao.

ps. and yes I feel lighter and this is a good thing.

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Well Hell! Soo much for unconditional love....

Sooo I am in a very painful place.

It feels like old patterns are repeating with a vengeance.
And I believe this is detrimental to my wellbeing.

1 month ago I received a phone call from a woman who
told me she was my sister. She was born in 1951 to my mother
and was adopted by a wonderful family with 2 older brothers.

She proceeded to recount how the Adoption bureau had contacted
my mother approx. 10 years ago and my mother agreed to meet her.
When my sister left my mother told her she would tell her 3
other daughters and get back in touch with her.
My mother told my older sister that she may be contacted by
another sibling, and that she wanted to be the one to tell
me and my younger sister.

Soooo, my mother had never shared the information with me or
my younger sister.
My mother never spoke to my older sister about it again.
My older sister never spoke of it at all.

After I received the phone call, I immediately called
both of my sisters.

Now my mother is in end stage emphysema, and has been for
@7years. 5years ago she moved in with my older sister.

When I advised my sisters that I was going to meet my new
sister and spend a couple of days my older sister wanted
me to tell my mother.
So I did, I called to advise her that I was going to meet my
new sister.

Soooo in my head all this time I am focusing on the blessing
this brings to my life.
I have no interest in assigning blame or forcing others
to speak of something they have chosen to never mention.

When I returned from spending time with my sister, I posted
a picture of the 2 of us, and some of her beautiful home.

My mother's older sister advised her that there were pictures
posted and my mother was angry with me.

I am grateful that I have a new sister and the time to get
to know her. I shared this joy with my friends and family on
It is unfortunate that this makes my mother feel bad.
That a secret she so obviously did not want to share has
been shared.

My mother has been monosyllabic in her responses to my daily
calls in order to impress on me her distress at my decision
to meet my sister and share the info.
I called anyways hoping that in discussing our favorite t.v.
shows the focus would be on the now.

This weekend my mother said some very poisonous things to me.
As a matter of fact she resurrected every disappointment and hurt
she has suffered at my hands from the age of 2 years old.
She further advised me that I was selfish in pursuing this
relationship with my new sister, and that she never told me about her
because the both of us are selfish and have no consideration for

My older sister and I have had a rocky relationship, but thru
hard work, love, understanding and acceptance have forged
a bond.
One of the fundamental issues that we disagree on is when my
mother spews her poison with no thought to consequences. I
believe she is intentionally cruel, I have experienced this
throughout my life and I know this to be a truth in my soul.

My older sister feels that her illness and isolation is what has
bred the poisonous comments.
I was a nurse for 30 years, and have been around ill and
dying people all of my life.
While chronic illnesses are trying and emotional breakdowns
are many the choices that individuals make in how they behave
are singular to that person.
My mother has made the choice to be bitter and angry.
This bitterness is focused to her family.

This latest breach of my defenses is crushing.

The fact that 3 weeks of monosyllabic responses did not
illicit the appropriate sympathy or behaviour she was
seeking, she then spewed vitriol hung up on me and then called
back to tell me to never, ever call her again.

My older sister spoke with her and called to advise me
my mother was hurt and lashing out because my father
(deadX26years) is not here to confide in.
I told my sister that I was unable to believe that.
That if she did that was good.
I know what my heart and soul felt when my mother
unloaded the venom of her lifetime of emotional injuries
at my hands.

I hope my sister and I can find our way through this.

I am able to forgive my mother because I love her and my
love is unconditional.

Forgiveness is not an excuse for blindness or self sabotage.

I feel to put my self into close physical proximity with
a human being who is unwilling and unable to monitor her
actions and words and who is capable of inflictiing this
kind of emotional injury would be unwise.

I will use yoga and meditation, therapy and exercise
to reestablish some equilibrium.

I'm not there yet.

That's it for now.

Friday, 21 October 2011

Hello World, on a verra grrey October Day.....

This is the inaugural post without any automatic email deliveries.

So..anyone that comes to it is here 'cause they wanna be.
And I feel more freedom to state it like it is.

Yesterday was another day of firsts. My sister Gail invited me to
my first Family Dinner with Gail and Louis, for his birthday.
I met Katie and Shane and they were both grrreat! Real people
that I felt instantly at ease with.
I thoroughly enjoyed their sense of humour and I had a verra
enjoyable time.
We went to one of my favorite Indian Restaurants- Maurya--Yummm

Today we are gonna go to Dressew, Katie wants some material to make
a Yeti costume for Halloween.
Gail called @ 0855h to say she was going to a med clinic as
she has developed a bladder infection.
I hope it's not too long a wait, and she sees someone competent.

Haven't posted since the summer.
Was gone for 7 weeks, and verra glad to be home.
less successful at keeping momentum going re computer lessons
but it's still a goal and on the immediate horizon.

I am doing my lite therapy, and my sleep is starting to
regulate, and some of the oppressive darkness that descended
the last couple of weeks with this uglee fever/flu/and general
ick, is starting to lift. So 3 weeks in bed sick and weak b/c
pervasive nausea prohibited eating anything but pedialyte and

Also 3 weeks no lite therapy, so this week doing lite therapy
between 07-09 and can feel everything start to lift.
See Dr. Tam next week and will continue exploring new
ways to perceive myself and the world with psychology/therapy