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Sunday, 6 February 2011

Minutes versus hours..........

A good day sports wise. Green Bay Packers won the Superbowl, and the 2nd half was a real barnburner.

i walked to get some food at the market, and had a shower.
Got some sleep with the pills, the good thing was it turned down
that wheel in my brain that ruminates at mach 10, with every negative
thought, nightmare, worst case scenario................. and, as Depression is a cyclical
chemical imbalance there are times that exercise, yoga, music nothing can override
the negative noise.
so Anxiety increases, ergo hot flashes increase in intensity and frequency, and
complete soaking night sweats.
did I mention nightmares.

I know this will get better, I believe that now, however in the middle of fighting it
my energy is so sapped i feel limp, wrung out, and battered emotionally.

I can surface for 5 minute chats with my family because we use humour to cope,
Black Humour but it works just the same.

Just had a brief chat with my friend Lori, she's recovering and doing better.
I realized as I was speaking with her that I still censor what I say here.
For example, on Wednesday at the library, I was having a tough time, every time I felt someone behind me I would get that hair raising on the back of my neck feeling that someone was going to
knock me on the head, try and rape me and leave me for dead again.
Finally my thinking brain came up with, keep your back to the books and let people pass in front of you.
That helped and I was able to get a couple of books and get home.
Today on the way to the food market, I had this wheel saying you aren't using your life
give it to someone else they deserve it more.
Again able to shake it off, but is there any wonder I don't want to get out of bed or leave home.
It's just that much more difficult right now out there.

That is the bummer, the walking and ipod therapy not working right now.
Yoga not working ,soooooo hang on and go minute to minute for a while and this will ease eventually.

Also more judicious use of antianxiety meds which I detest using because of their
addictive properties.

Right now I will use them for a few days and see if that gives me a jump on this round.

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