Helloooooo......is anyone in there?????

Soooo today I made it out of bed.
This is a good thing....
It's strange to think I just spent the better
part of 3 months in bed. Again.
This time I tried to do it more consciously.
I am out of emotional capabilities when I
return home from an extended stay with my family.

In order to cope when I am away, I medicate all the
symptoms of depression. If I didn't I would not last.
It enables me to maintain the socially acceptable Mar
Mask I have used to cope with the world at large for
the better portion of my life.

I fall back into the Entertainer, deflect all the
uncomfortable conflicts with humour.
the more self deprecating the better it works to sidetrack
people from the conflict they are immersed in. or
I just absent myself and go for a walk and catch
up with them later.

Sooo when I got home this time and started some
new therapy I made a conscious decision each day
whether I would stay in bed or not.
It's been good and bad.
I at least feel like I am responsible for the decision
versus, I do not have a choice.
I still feel like the Big L Loser for still having this
depression, and the guilt that comes from not being the
functional,employed earning my way person.

The new therapist has provided some insight into this
hamster wheel of emotion and guilt for having an
unremitting depression.
I have developed some new definitions for success.

So the first thing I have done in the last while
is to go on twitter and search out the authors
I love to read and thank them for their work
Their creations assist me to cope with my world.

I must try and blog more often. soooo I don't feel sooo lost.
Get my brain tho think on a different level.

Ahhh wlll, that's all for now.
later