Deep Thoughts--What I believe about Love--Spirit--Faith.......

I haven't blogged for a verra long time. For a variety of reasons, and at this moment as I feel compelled to write, none of the reasons feel like good ones.
They say insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.
Well I have hidden my pain and suffering for many years.
I feel overwhelming shame and humiliation that I have not conquered this illness and returned to gainful employment.
For short periods of time I can subdue these thoughts/feelings with exercise, proper nutrition, and yoga/meditation.
There are times where My mind/body/spirit feel so heavily burdened it feels impossible to move.
I have small cognitive steps that I use,such as, if I think a negative thought 3 times I have to physically change my position because you require a different part of your brain to engage the physical.
Having said this, these days the burden feels heavier, thicker somehow. Like moving through jello for every thought.
Partly this is the time of year and the darkness, and my frustration with this cycle of darkness.
I must not get lost, and I want to be more aware of the masques I use to camouflage all of me.

There that's some shit that was just rolling around in there, now it is out there.

Sooooo Here's the thoughts about love.

I had a long discussion recently about love in all it's many facets.

I grew up believing love was something bartered for with chores well done, good grades, proper behaviour and all that jazz.
Now I think I was always loved, and being liked was what was being bartered for.
I'm not sure I can tell the difference. I am working on it.

I have always had this big personality, glib tongue, and an affinity for dark wit and black humour.
I think the wit and the humour are survival mechanisms.
Good ones I think, because laughing is always better than wailing.

My first experience with being loved warts and all was when I met my Phenix cousins as adults.
I found the connection and grounding I hadn't experienced since my Dad had shuffled from this mortal coil.
i have been learning how to love myself warts and all, a verra difficult task for whatever cosmic reason.
I have always been able to make myself feel better when life is not about me. when I can do, or be, for others somehow it taps a part of my psyche that functions better in crises than in the routine.
I think I feel more functional when I open the window in my brain that copes with crisis well.
I feel better about myself.

This however is unsustainable. this is my perennial conundrum.

Sooooo How about this---We open a dialogue about Love and how we cope and share it with each other.

Let me know what y'all think. I know it's a busy time of year, it doesn't have to happen now.
Now is good, but it's the sharing that matters.
hugsmar

trepidations, falters, rewrites.......bugger it , all of it.

I have a great article on how to starve cancer cells I saw on the Dr. Oz show.
I haven't shared it b/c I didn't want to talk about moi.
and my deal with myself is when I blog I have to share some of me.
Sooooo....ick....here I go

5 Foods to Starve cancer--angiogenesis (Dr. William Lee)
food is a medicine we take every day.---stop bad blood vessels from feeding cancer tissue

Bok choy---contains boracinin---1/2 cup X 3 per week

Cooked tomatoes---lycopene----2-3 cups per week--heat in evoo=makes molecules more available to body

Flounder----mild white fish--omega 3--anti-angiogenic----3 X 6oz per week

strawberries---elogic acid in seed and pulp---antioxidant and anti-angiogenic

Artichokes--3 different anti-angiogenic molecules--1/4 cup artichoke per day


As for Moi---- conflicted on many fronts, will elaborate more when i am not locking down my mind to contain anxiety.
I have a minor surgical procedure tomorrow--Hysterotomy-- they will remove 5 mm of uterine wall and 2 adenomanous polyps.
All being well I will be home by 14oohrs, my friend Lori is picking me up.
That's it folks
hugsmar

Summer in Ottawa and Montreal, and of course food...

Hey There Everyone
Was speaking with my sister Shae, and she had bumped into Gloria who had commented that there hadn't been a recent blog....
Soooo my inspiration for this one is my sister, and Gloria.

Food Mystery
My cousin Barbara has been getting serious indigestion after eating chickpeas.
In trying to source out the cause of her distress, I happened across an article in "Canadian Living"
"Best Sleep Ever"
The article states that foods with Tryptophan (an amino acid)
has a relaxing effect on your brain by becoming serotonin,
a neurotransmitter that slows nerve traffic and helps your body manufacture
the sleep hormone melatonin.

Foods with Tryptophan
turkey, milk bananas, figs, dates,oats, eggs, chickpeas, potatoes and peanuts.

Sooo this food detective thought she had solved the mystery.
Turns out not so much.
Back to the drawing board.

Personally I would like to thank my whole family, Phenix's, Shanks', Corbett's, McNeils', Woods',
and if I left anyone out, you too. For a wonderful reunion and celebration.
Cheers to Mado and Rick, Hosts par Excellence.

I am in Montreal @ Barbara's
Saw My friend Michele today and her hubby Frank, and Her Kids, Sabrina, Adam, Michael, Matt, and spoke to Melanie on the phone. We will do our pilgrimage to Portuguese restaurant for grilled squid, octopus, and shrimp on Thursday.

Oh... I think I hear Barb and Tonya, looks like I may get dinner after all.
Meanwhile I'm sipping wine listening to the crickets.

Personally, I think I am well, finding enough time for therapeutic swims, walks, and reading,
As balanced as is possible when one is away from home.

courage is fear holding on for one more minute

Paraphrased from this months Alive Magazine

Moving Meditation helps pain.
i believe it helps All Pain--

Combining Meditation with physical activity improves our health.

For me listening to music focuses my mind and Walking changes the way i think.
one example of this is, within two blocks of my home, as I begin my walk, the world falls away, and my mind focuses on music and breathing and I feel psychologically lighter. It changes the way I think. It's some of my best Therapy.

Food Facts

Short and Simple--After having spent a week in the Okanagan, eat more fresh food.
Fruit and fresh veg are spectacular right now.
Indulge in Nature's Bounty.

Mutti you were missed!

A Nod to Aunt Lucille and Linda and a welcome to my Blog.
I have added you both to the automatic email list.
Please feel free to let me know when you want off the automatic list.
This is not everyones's cup of tea.

I am off to Ottawa on Thursday morning,
There is a Family Reunion At Rick and Mado's and I am looking forward to seeing all of you.
Golf on Friday, and Big Do on Saturday.


Lenny this is an Official invitation to attend the Golf and Family Do. I hope you will consider it.
everyone else, see ya there.
I am coping, and not feeling up to dissecting any further.
Packing lists, etc.......
hugs y'all.
mar

2nd attempt by my touch and moi

No nutrition tips today

I'm in Vernon,my Uncle P.J's Memorial
Was yesterday,Aunt Lucille held up admirably
And she was grafeful to be surrounded
By so many friends and family.
Mutti was missed. Many people were asking
About.her and wishing she was here and
Sending their warmest regards
Hugs to all mar