Hmmmmm, good things about autumn

FOOD FACTOID: lemons/limes--Brightly colored, well-shaped with smooth thin skin. Should feel sturdy but give ever so slightly when squeezed. Small brown splotches on limes do not affect flavor (although they are a sign of deterioration and should be consumed first. Lemons should have no hint of green.

Store @ room temp in dark, cool location or in fridge

Payoff= Phytonutrient liminoids, which appear to have anticancer, antiviral properties.

I had a quiet w/e. It was wet and grey, I read and watched football. Messin' with my light-therapy to relieve the increase in hopeless,worthless, anxiety wheel, especially @ nite, cause one of the first things to go is sleep. There is something so utterly desolate about being awake @ 3a.m. it just seems to feed the worst that depression brings up.

Sooo thought for the day is sometimes being in survival mode is what is necessary.

For now the definition of thrive will be putting these dark thoughts and feelings out here in the public domain, and try and beat the humiliation I feel for having them.

Soooo, the goal is the depression loses it's power and I will not feel broken.

Wow, just writing those words chokes me. I sooo did not want to write anything today. The victory is I did it anyway. I shared some of this darkness inside.

to thrive or not to thrive

That is the question. I have been in surivival mode for a verrra long time.

I met a woman this summer whom I now call friend. She saw something in me that I had not only forgotten about, but wasn't sure I even believed I could resurrect. A kernel of my soul that has been so deeply buried by the pain and suffering of a chronic, unremitting clinical depression that my life has been purely about coping strategies employed moment to moment.

I was so busy, trying every day to exercise, eat healthy, journal, meditate, yoga breathe......to get myself to the next day that I am lost. Lost in survival, lost in the full time job of not succumbing to the worthlessness and hopelessness that is the trademark of Depression.

Oh and so much more, the no regular sleep, the lack of appetite, the unrelenting worry wheel(anxiety,procrastination,lack of self worth and self esteem to name a few) in my brain that is the only thing that goes at mach 10 in my life. Every moment, every step filled with lead and trepidation

. Sooooo all this to say, TODAY I begin to take my life back.

I believe by shining a light on my daily struggles, the darkness/poison inside that I share with no one, I will excavate the kernel of my soul that believes in a different life. Thanks to AKAB, for giving me the spark to begin again.

TODAY'S AFFIRMATION IS" I BELIEVE FAILURES ARE THE STEPPING STONES TO SUCCESS"

Thanks to all my family, nuclear and chosen for your collective inspirations.